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Safe Web Strategies for Kids
The Contract for Internet Kids & Parents
by Glenn Caleval
If you have not already read the sections “Remember Who Your Child Is” and “Enlist Older Siblings” do so now. Even if there are no older siblings involved, the content will be useful to understanding and using the Contract effectively.
These clauses are to give a foundation to establish a contract with each of your children. There may well be additional rules depending on your circumstances and personal values. Speak to your children about each item in the Contract.
1. We recognize that access to the internet is a privilege for both adults and kids. It is not a constitutional right and we have done nothing particularly magical to give us special consideration in having this privilege.
Be honest and sincere. Ask for the child’s views on each contract item. The point of the first term is to have a discussion finding agreement that privileges can be withdrawn and that they are not essential to life. Point out that more people in the world do not have computers than do. Do they not have the same “rights” as we? There is a cost to the internet that is paid through work and management of family finances. It is a luxury like television and not a necessity like food. Agree that when internet access is interrupted for whatever reason that neither kids nor parents will fall into an emotional tantrum as if they were being deprived of essentials. SHARE the responsibility. Explain that adults, including you, also have to recognize that internet access is a privilege and that some people lose that privilege either through the law or lack of financial resources. If you can get up front agreement that a) it is a privilege and b) we don’t go melodramatic about privileges, it can help enormously when problems do arise. You will be able to remind the child of the agreement. But remember the old saying, “A man convinced against his will is a man unconvinced still.” You need to work diligently and patiently to get the child’s genuine agreement or it will be an exercise without value.
2. We recognize that there are risks in using the internet. We know that there are bad people who use the internet for criminal activity and some who are very persuasive who have convinced good people to put themselves in trouble. Together we agree that this is a fact and recognize the possibility that we could ourselves be tricked or hurt because we are not perfect.
Show the child the statistics. It may seem like facts do not matter to teenagers, but they do register. Discuss what the existence of 600,000 known sex offenders in the U.S. alone means. That means that there were at least 600,000 victims we know about. Are we so certain that all 600,000 victims were a lot less smart than we are? Aside from the sex offenders, point out how many very smart people have had their identity stolen. By posting too much personal information on web sites, some of these people have lost their homes and had their credit ruined. Point out that when one member of the family posts that kind of information, they put the whole family at risk. If a criminal across the country or across the world can get the real names of the family with the real address then they just need a couple of innocent slips to go after everything. For example, point out that it can be as simple as asking your child about gifts they received at Christmas -- where did they buy that one (okay we know they deal at XYZ Store, one more and we’ve got their credit references). What’s your dad do for a living (great I’ve got the employment reference). With that little bit of information tied to the name and address, families have been ruined. This is not a game and it is not an exercise to punish or withhold anything from anyone in the family. It is a matter of protecting us all. Together we have to agree on that fact before we can even think about any further internet activity.
3. Recognizing the reality of the risks, we the children agree to record the address of every web site where we post anything and any chat rooms or forums that we participate in. As well, we will provide the log in information, user id and password for each of these sites which will serve as a good back up as well as a safety measure.
This one is helped if you have a central “important papers” place where the family keeps important documents such as the mortgage, insurance policies, phone numbers of relatives in case of emergency, important medical notes such as allergies and medical conditions, the doctors names and numbers and so on. If you do not already have such a place, establish one. As part of the web site and password collection exercise bring out those documents and share their importance with the children. Explain to them where they will be located in the event that there is an emergency when the parents cannot be reached. Then explain that part of the important papers are their passwords and web places. Point out that if something goes wrong you need a way to get into these accounts in case the “wrong” involved one of them. Ultimately, however, you need the information as part of securing the family and if that takes some discussion talk until they wear out.
4. We all agree to use the tools in our family’s Safe Surfing Toolkit to ensure our computer and our family have as much protection as possible. In particular we agree to use PasswordMaker to generate and securely store all passwords we use. We agree never to disable the firewall or antivirus protection. If we think programs in the Safe Surfing Toolkit are causing a problem with our use of the computer or the internet we will seek help rather than simply trying to turn those programs off.
5. We all agree to follow the Basic Web Safe Practices.
6. We agree that we all need to limit our time on the internet simply because it is too easy to neglect the rest of life if we don’t. If the internet begins to detract from our other activities including our work whether our jobs or our school, or from our community involvement including our sports activities, then we agree that we need to discuss the matter and come up with a plan to return us to a fuller life.
Ideally every family can schedule at least one family event each week. But the world is not ideal and circumstances vary greatly. If you can have meals together every day, then that is an activity that has to continue without either parents or kids hitting the internet. If the kids are in sports or arts or music, then those activities must be kept up. School work being done is not negotiable and if the standards of your child’s school work declines, whatever they may be telling you they are not using the internet to do the work. Prepare a list of known activities and obligations for each of you that you will agree cannot be neglected due to the internet. Include your job(s), meal preparation, laundry -- a solid list of things that need to be done to keep the family fed, clothed, sheltered and happy. Make sure your list includes things that the child values highly -- like eating. On the child’s list include everything that is (or was) occupying his or her life in a positive way and their own chores. Consider including explicitly time with friends in person and not on the internet. When you have the two lists complete add them to this section and have all of you (both parents and all children) initial each activity on their own list. Ask everyone if there are items missing from anyone’s list and be responsive. The act of initialing each item reinforces memory and lends an air of solemnity to the process, causing everyone to recognize they are making a promise about that particular thing.
7. Further to our agreement in 6, unless specially agreed otherwise, we agree that there will be no more than one/two/three hours of internet use on any given day and no more than 5/8/12 hours total in any given week. We agree that there will be no internet use during the following times:.... or after x:00 p.m.
In Item 6 you provide the general agreement about limiting time. In 7 you need to spell out the limits. You should try to have two kinds of limits: total time per day and week, and specific blackout periods that have a universal ban. One of those bans should be after some time in the evening. There should be at least 90 minutes clear time between the end of internet use and bed time. So if bed time is 9:00 p.m. then all internet use should end by 7:30 p.m. The reason I urge you to do this is that one of the larger problems internet parents face is children who get so involved in the internet late that they remain awake longer and longer. They also suffer the same lack of judgment that affects all of us as we become more tired. By preserving a 90 minute window and enforcing it, other activities such as reading, watching television with the family or shooting hoops on the patio will occupy their rightful place in the young person’s life. By enforcing it, you will create a habit. That habit will have a good chance of lasting your children a lifetime. In any case, the last thing the child does before going to bed should not be logging off his or her computer.
8. We agree to share with one another any unusual exchanges we have on the internet. We particularly agree to share any offensive or sexual contacts or any contacts asking about money or other members of the family.
9. We agree that what we do on the internet is for all intents and purposes public. We know that nothing done on the internet ever remains private and it lasts forever. We know that even famous and rich people have had what they put on the internet used to embarrass or hurt them and we recognize that we are no more powerful than those people. We also agree that if the rest of the world can know what we do on the internet, surely each other can have the same information. Therefore we will be respectful of ourselves in everything we do and we will take it for granted that our activities will be reviewed as a matter of course.
Be prepared to deal with privacy complaints and all manner of other grievances. It is important to remain calm and loving. You may find it helpful to have a resistant child do the Web Safe Exercise on this site. If at all possible, you want to work very hard to get the child to come to a real agreement about the correctness of this monitoring. If you leave the discussion with the child completely unpersuaded, you run the risk of them engaging in dangerous behavior when they are not at home, some times very dangerous as an act of spite. That is why it is also important to try to implement some of the other advice in the Internet Parent Safety Guide such as getting the parents of your children’s friends on side.
That’s the basic Contract. Consider including ending clauses detailing what happens if someone breaks the contract. With the right software, one consequence that will be relatively easy to administer is shrinking the amount of internet time allowed or barring internet access completely for days or weeks. Tailor the Contract to your family and then get everyone in the family to sign it. When issues arise, bring out the Contract.
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